||[Sep. 25th, 2006|09:26 pm]
Face the Fear and Do It Anyway
I'm pretty sure this is pretty much where I've always frozen. I always have a "perfect picture" in my head. For example, I don't move forward on my dancing, sca involvement, education, my kink activities, my health, my exercise, my diet...
I always have an excuse. A reason why now is not the right time. A friend told me that negotiating with me is useless because I can talk my way out of anything, and he's right. I think that's why kink can get so extreme for me. If I have to negotiate, I know I'm not gonna get my needs met!! Talk about unhealthy and downright dangerous.
I am afraid of success. I learn just enough of an art form to teach the basics to someone else. Then I stop. I don't learn anymore than the basics. I am afraid that if I put effort into something, I will not be "good enough" at the same time as being afraid that I will be good at it. I have a voice in my head that no matter what I do, won't let me move forward.
How do I sabotage myself? I freeze. In mid motion, I freeze. I don't act on the things I know to be right. I simply stop. And stare at a wall. Or play a mindless game. I stop.