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Why would I want to leave? - Face the Fear and Do It Anyway [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

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Why would I want to leave? [Oct. 3rd, 2006|10:32 pm]
Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

facethefear

[kseniia]
I am afraid of my exchange to Denmark.

It's a great opportunity, it's one of the best journalism schools in Europe, I get to go to the EU Parliament in Brussels, I get to travel around Europe...it seemed to be the best thing I could possibly do while in school. And for the past 6 months, it's seemed like this far off thing that was coming, but not. It didn't seem completely real. Now....it's starting to seem more real. And I'm scared.

I'm scared of failing while I'm there.
I'm scared of making an ass of myself.
I'm scared of not making any friends, since I seem to not do well with this.

This last issue has been one of those childhood haunt things. I never really had friends growing up, and I never really had a good idea of how to develop good, honest, solid friendships without it breaking down somehow. I always seemed to be the class freak, and so I tried to grow into that persona. Now, I find myself looking at people in school, thinking that they seem cool, and wondering how I can try to be friends without seeming like some kind of wierd person. I'm afraid of these same judgements over in Denmark, the place where I want to make friends. I want to get to know people there.

I'm also afraid of what I am leaving behind, and how much of it will be changed when I get back. I want the world to stop and wait for me, despite knowing how illogical that is. I will miss James and my family and my friends, that's natural. I just don't want to feel like I am leaving my life here behind, even if it is temporarily.

I want to do this....I'm just scared of actually getting on with it.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: utsi
2006-10-04 04:21 pm (UTC)
from cognitive behaviour therapy...
what exactly are the worst case scenarios you can think of. honestly, how realistic are they? are they insurmountable in dealing with in terms of results?
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[User Picture]From: kseniia
2006-10-05 02:31 pm (UTC)
The worst case scenario? I make no friends, the whole class (since it's approx. 25 ppl) hates me and I want to come home after a month in Denmark. And the school blows up the day before I leave.

Reality of this happening? Admittedly, low. Especially the blowing up part.

A more realistic worst case scenario? I get there and am barely friends with anyone, feeling left out until almost the end of the program in June.

Realism? I think it's a little more likely to happen that way.

However, I'm also trying to hold out hope that I get to know people well enough to make friendships. Though apparently the Danes are shy people. I'm hoping that it doesn't stop the possibility of making friends, between my being scared of offending/pissing someone off and their shyness.
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[User Picture]From: utsi
2006-10-05 10:27 pm (UTC)
if you make no friends (unlikely) you can focus on your work better. i suspect you won;t be the only oen feeling linely though. and folks will want to find support with each other.

if you offend someone, it is also a chance to get to know folks better. it is permissible to open a conversation about being offended, and asking what their take on this 'opinion/judgement' is. it could start aconversation that would allow you to be aware of their boundaries.

just a few thoughts. i haven;t really been in the right headspace to offer better help. sorry.
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[User Picture]From: locus_ofcontrol
2006-10-04 09:49 pm (UTC)
WOW... Friends are so hard to make...

I love kids that way.. they just look at each other and say "do you want to be my friend" and the other nods and away they go.

I think as adults we get all caught up in the fears of "what will happen if" when we try to connect. And frankly, I've been experimenting. I have people I've met, and have started to just say to them... I like you. Will you be my friend?

Nope, it doesn't always work. But with the people who are "aware" it at least seems to be appreciated...

What's the worst that can happen? Someone says, uh NO and tells other people I'm weird. Well, those other people...if they don't find out for themselves ...aren't worth my time anyhow.

HUGS. you CAN do this!!!!!
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[User Picture]From: kseniia
2006-10-05 02:35 pm (UTC)
I get what you're saying, and it's certainly an approach worth trying. That said, I'm going to be in a small class (approx. 25 people). Smaller groups leave a chance for the "wierd" thing to stand out a lot more.

I'm going to make friends and go out and spend time with people. I will make it happen somehow.
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