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Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

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Terrified to Move [Jul. 4th, 2008|08:31 pm]
Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

[Tags|, , , , ]
[mood |anxiousanxious]

I realized that's part of where I am today.

I am so tightly wound and so totally controlled, I am terrified to let even the slightest bit of movement disturb my equalibrium. I've likened it lately to feeling like a bottle of gingerale that someone shook up, and the pressure is building and the top is not screwed on properly. I'm afraid that I'm going to explode at any time and I don't know what that will look like or what direction it will be in.

I met with a psych a few weeks ago, who basically said "yep you are crazy but you aren't dreaming so that's normal. Come back when that's fixed." I'm so tightly wound, I'm not able to even present as a danger to myself or someone else, despite the images that race through my head and cause me to tremble and shake.

I'm starting to sleep better. I know, because I'm having moments of clarity. Moments where I want to dance and am listening to my middle eastern music. Moments where I can narrow down the list in my head to something resembling sense. Moments where I can put on my gardening gloves and pull weeds.

Yet, I also have moments, where my risk-taking behaviours are manifesting in FULL FORCE without regard to my personal safety or even sanity. That's not good. And yet, I keep it together enough that my boss simply "can't tell" when I'm having a bad day.
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What If's... [Oct. 18th, 2006|09:13 pm]
Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |TVIMH screaming]

What if I have to shift teams at work, and I don't relate to my new supervisor?

What if I that mom, that I can't find right now, does something like what happened in Barrie?

What if the decisions I make about "kids being safe" are wrong and one of them gets hurt?

What if K can't adapt to the new school/daycare?

What if J does go to Singapore and I remember what it's like to be alone?

What if I don't like the house once we get moved into it?

What if I don't find a safe space to start to dance again?

What if the friends I think I have....aren't really there?

What if being in Waterloo - feels the same as being here?

What if I made a mistake last year?

What if I really CAN'T do this job?

Yeah...fears...irrational, driving, overwhelming....fears.
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Why would I want to leave? [Oct. 3rd, 2006|10:32 pm]
Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

I am afraid of my exchange to Denmark.

It's a great opportunity, it's one of the best journalism schools in Europe, I get to go to the EU Parliament in Brussels, I get to travel around Europe...it seemed to be the best thing I could possibly do while in school. And for the past 6 months, it's seemed like this far off thing that was coming, but not. It didn't seem completely real. Now....it's starting to seem more real. And I'm scared.

I'm scared of failing while I'm there.
I'm scared of making an ass of myself.
I'm scared of not making any friends, since I seem to not do well with this.

This last issue has been one of those childhood haunt things. I never really had friends growing up, and I never really had a good idea of how to develop good, honest, solid friendships without it breaking down somehow. I always seemed to be the class freak, and so I tried to grow into that persona. Now, I find myself looking at people in school, thinking that they seem cool, and wondering how I can try to be friends without seeming like some kind of wierd person. I'm afraid of these same judgements over in Denmark, the place where I want to make friends. I want to get to know people there.

I'm also afraid of what I am leaving behind, and how much of it will be changed when I get back. I want the world to stop and wait for me, despite knowing how illogical that is. I will miss James and my family and my friends, that's natural. I just don't want to feel like I am leaving my life here behind, even if it is temporarily.

I want to do this....I'm just scared of actually getting on with it.
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Icon Call Out [Oct. 3rd, 2006|10:18 pm]
Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

Hey all.

The community needs an icon...any suggestions???
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How do I deal? [Sep. 25th, 2006|09:48 pm]
Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

[mood |determined]

When I get scared, I react with humour. It's pretty safe to say that if we're having a serious discussion, or the topic gets too "heavy" for me, I'll crack a joke. In fact, if I'm really scared about the situation, I'll change the topic or distract from it so I don't have to talk any more.

I've dropped out of college 4 times. Maybe because I'm afraid of success, but more likely because I'm afraid to BE THERE.

But I'm still back at college. The difference is, THIS time *I* know I'm afraid to be there, my CLASSMATES know I'm afraid to be there, and they're helping me be there anyway.

There's more... lots more... like when I'm really scared I "switch." I'm DID (dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple-personality disorder.) Depending on the situation, I'll switch to the little girl, or the tough bitch. But ME, I'm off hiding in a corner in my brain. It makes it REALLY hard to get further in life when you have a 4-year-old "driving" your brain.
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When/Then [Sep. 25th, 2006|09:26 pm]
Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

[Tags|, ]
[mood |discontentdiscontent]
[music |TVIMH sighing]

I'm pretty sure this is pretty much where I've always frozen. I always have a "perfect picture" in my head. For example, I don't move forward on my dancing, sca involvement, education, my kink activities, my health, my exercise, my diet...

I always have an excuse. A reason why now is not the right time. A friend told me that negotiating with me is useless because I can talk my way out of anything, and he's right. I think that's why kink can get so extreme for me. If I have to negotiate, I know I'm not gonna get my needs met!! Talk about unhealthy and downright dangerous.

I am afraid of success. I learn just enough of an art form to teach the basics to someone else. Then I stop. I don't learn anymore than the basics. I am afraid that if I put effort into something, I will not be "good enough" at the same time as being afraid that I will be good at it. I have a voice in my head that no matter what I do, won't let me move forward.

How do I sabotage myself? I freeze. In mid motion, I freeze. I don't act on the things I know to be right. I simply stop. And stare at a wall. Or play a mindless game. I stop.
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